Bible Talks - Sunday Night Church
Series: Matters of the Heart · Talk No. 2
Being single
Sunday, 19 March 2006
1 Corinthians 7:25-38 ESV or NIV
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1. Introduction
Every year, thousands of people from churches all over, head off for 10 days or so on a Beach Mission team. Now, I admit to not being completely up to date on the social mores of Beach Missions in 2006, but I do know that there is a great tradition in the history of S.U.F.M’s and it’s closely tied to that acronym. Some say that SUFM stands for Scripture Union Family Mission, but many know it to really stand for something else which reaches deep into the psyche of Beach Missioners: Single, Until Finally Married.
This ‘other mission’ has been deeply ingrained in the Beach Mission culture for so long, that it led to a name change. Before SUFM, beach missions were known as Children’s Special Service Missions – or for the initiated: Come Single, Soon Married. But what’s in a name? SUFM’s join a number of other underground Christian ‘marriage markets’, as an endless stream of young, single Christians go on the hunt for a mate.
Now that sounds a bit harsh and cruel, but it exposes a part of Christian life that isn’t often spoken about in the open. As Joel said in his introduction, all Christians seeking to live God-honouring lives only have two choices: Married and faithful or single and celibate. So why do so many take aim, fair and square, at the marriage option? Is it just because it’s the only legitimate way for Christians to enjoy sex? And why does Paul appear to be so down on marriage in 1 Corinthians 7? What are the biblical arguments for and against staying single or getting married? How do you make that choice?
Our culture doesn’t provide a lot of help in this area. It accepts virtually any kind of option when it comes to relationships, although despite declining marriage rates, our society still pushes marriage as the ultimate ‘happiness destination’. Or perhaps more accurately, “the wedding” is clearly regarded as being ‘the happiest day of our lives’, and people spend huge amounts trying to shore up that idea.
So as we come to look at these four topics of being single, going out, being married, divorce and remarriage, it’s important to recognise that we are touching on some highly personal territory here, and on matters where we have to carefully draw principles from the Bible. So while I hope these four weeks will be of great help and encouragement, I also realise that aspects may be difficult for some of you. So it’s important for us to come to these subjects prayerfully asking God to speak to us from His word. [pray]
Tonight comes the issue of singleness, and it is a delicate question, We know from our brief visit to the Song of songs last week that the closest, most intimate of all human relationships belongs within the bounds of marriage, and we are not ‘free’ to exercise our sexual passions in whatever way our body tells us we should.
But some things just don’t change much with humans, and despite the change in the way it’s expressed, most of us long for happy, fulfilling relationships. And that taps into some pretty deep-seated things in the human psyche. The longing that many women have for a partner – a strong male who, consciously or subconsciously, they want to protect and provide for them. The enjoyment and fulfilment that many guys get from filling that role.
We are fed this thinking as children through fairy stories, and it’s reinforced as we grow up, and it reaches fever pitch when you reach marriageable age: Find your true love, get married, and you’ll live happily ever after.
But if you recall when we looked at 2 Corinthians 5 a few weeks back, you will know that already we have a problem: happiness ever after is something that God promises his people – but not in this world. So let’s explore the issue of…
2. Singleness and eternity – 1 Corinthians 7:25-35
Paul’s addressing single people here, people who have never married (‘virgins’ in the NIV).
And his big point here is a little shocking: He says in v26 “stay as you are”. If you are not married, don’t, it’s better for you not to marry. It’s there in v26-27 ”Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for you to remain as you are. Are you married? Do not seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife.”. Now this was probably even more radical to say in Paul’s day as it is today. In the first century world, a man without a wife wasn’t a real man in the Jewish culture. A women without a husband had no means of support or of making a living. There was no social security or the such. So for Paul say something like this was a pretty big call.
But note how this section starts in v25, and how Paul, while clearly speaking his mind here, is also giving his listeners a bit of wriggle room. He says: “I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgement as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy”. So this is not a command from God. Rather this is (in Paul’s mind) good, Christian advise from someone who, by God’s grace, is deemed trustworthy.
So there is no command here saying ‘thou shalt not marry’, rather he is saying, ‘as someone whom God has made trustworthy, it is better not to marry.’ And he qualifies this further in v28 where he says that if you do marry, it’s not a sinful thing.
So this is all about what is best, rather than an issue of right or wrong. And the clue as to Paul’s reasoning here is in v35 “I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.”
and also back in v26 with the reference to “this present crisis”. That is not saying that there was a particular event happening. Terrorists hadn’t attacked the temple in Jerusalem or anything.
Rather, it’s referring to what he speaks of in v 29-31 “What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they had none; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.” (NIV)
That’s the present crisis. Now Paul is using hyperbole here to simply make the point ‘have the right perspective on these things’. View all this stuff as temporary, in the light of eternity, because the “time is short”, this world is passing away. So he’s saying: ‘view things like the things of this world , and even marriage as it really is: temporary in the light of eternity’.
We do not know how long this world has left in it, but we do know that it will pass away, and we should live in the light of that truth, and remember that true happiness and true fulfilment do not come from those temporary, worldly things.
So given that marriage is included in that list – it’s not a bad thing at all, but it’s not part of God’s eternal plan (we’ll see more about that in a week or two). And so Paul says if you can avoid it, do so, and you will be better off. Given that it takes up so much time and effort in this life, Paul says we would be better off focussing our time and energies on things of eternal significance that God has planned for you.
Look at v28 “But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.” (NIV).
Now, Paul is probably speaking from experience. There is evidence elsewhere to suggest that either he was a widower and his wife had died, or that perhaps his wife had left him when he became a Christian. But either way, Paul knows what he is speaking about here when he says ‘marriage brings trouble’.
And this is good to remind ourselves of. That marriage is hard work, marriage is not ‘happily ever after’ – even in a worldly sense. Marriage brings pressures, it takes hard work to keep any marriage healthy and functional. Marriage is good, but there is a big cost and a large investment of time, energy and effort in keeping it working.
So look at v32-34 “I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband.” (NIV) Those verses set out the two main options: be single and kingdom-focussed, or married and ‘distracted’ by your spouse. Of course there is a third option – often championed by the world – be single and totally self-absorbed! But that doesn’t have any advantage for the Kingdom of God, and that’s what Paul is trying to do here – maximise the benefit for God’s Kingdom, and so if you are wanting to serve God, the best opportunities to do that will come if you are single.
So Paul’s argument is that the benefits of singleness can stretch out into eternity, whereas marriage is for this life. And because God’s eternity is where true happiness and fulfilment is found, Paul says ‘don’t seek a wife. Don’t seek a husband’.
Now, these are pretty radical and pretty hard words. And it’s easy to just breeze on past this section. But hang on while we look at a second aspect of all this under the heading:
3. Singleness and self control. - 1 Corinthians 7:1-7
There is an approach that many people seem to take to this passage that does terrible things to the integrity of Paul’s argument here. Some people have suggest that this is all just wishful thinking on Paul’s part. That he doesn’t mean for this to be taken seriously, that he is laying out what the ideal situation is, but isn’t expecting us to live up to it.
Indeed, you may be thinking that too. You may have listened so far, and be thinking “as if!” You may be thinking to yourself “Nice try Paul, but you can’t be serious.”
And some people try and use another part of this chapter to wriggle out of applying v25-35, and that part is v1-7 of this chapter. Turn back to it now… v1-2 “ Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.” (NIV). Then in v3-5 he speaks of how married couples shouldn’t deprive each other of sex, and in v7 he says: “I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. “ (NIV) So we read that and think: “ah ha!” So Paul wishes we all had the same gift of ‘singleness’ that he has. The gift of a low sex drive and a love of his own company.
And then he says in v8-9: “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” (NIV).
So the logic in this alternative view runs: It’s good to be single – that’s fine, we can see the benefits in that. But only if you have the gift of singleness – like Paul appears to – otherwise it’s good to be married so you have an outlet for your sex drive.
Then the logic continues: but because I’m lonely and/or lusting, I clearly do not have the ‘gift’ of singleness, therefore God must want me to married – and why can’t I find someone suitable?! That’s the logic many people bring to this chapter.
But it’s wrong. And here’s why:
Firstly, it treats marriage as nothing more than a release for my sex drive. We don’t need to read very far in the Bible to realise that marriage is much more than that.
Second, it implies that getting married is a total fix it for a person’s lust problems, or sexual self-control problems. But any married person will tell you that simply isn’t true! Those are still issues for many married people.
Here’s the logic that counters that poor thinking. Look at v1 in your NIV’s then look at the ESV version in your outline. See the difference? The ESV is a far better translation when it says “Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” (ESV), because in the light of chapter six, it is pretty clear that 7:1-7 is all about sex and not about whether we should marry or not.
Paul is talking in this way because he is responding to some strange ideas in Corinth about how you get closer to God (we looked at this in detail when we did 1 Corinthians a while ago). Some were saying you got closer to God by abstaining from sex, but some were saying it didn’t matter what you did with your body and were going off to prostitutes and the like.
What I think Paul is saying here in the bigger context of chapter 6 is:
Firstly: Sex belongs in marriage (v2), and within marriage there should be plenty of it!
Then down in v7 he says “I wish that all men were as I am…” But he doesn’t mean that he wishes all men were single and celibate like he was.
He’s meaning that he wishes all men knew that you don’t get closer to God by denying yourself sex! He wishes that all people knew that if you are in Christ you are free to live life to the full for God and his kingdom. And the reference to gifts in v7b is talking about how we all must work out our Christian freedom in our own different situations.
Verses 8-9 are dealing with a very specific situation of couples who have been widowed who can’t control themselves, which is why he says it’s better for you to marry than to sneak around having sex illicitly. But that is a very specific situation.
So coming back to the heading – singleness and self-control…
A lack of emotional or sexual self-control is not a sign that you lack a mysterious spiritual gift of ‘singleness’, and that therefore God wants you to be married.
If you lack self-control, God wants you to control yourself, and to live for him.
Marriage is not a quick fix for all our emotional and sexual problems, and Paul not suggesting that here. Paul is not some weird little man who disliked women. He chose to stay single so he could serve God to the fullest, and he’s encouraging us to think that way too, if our circumstances permit.
4. Implications.
So what are some implications for us out of this:
1. Being single isn’t second best. Marriage is not a passage to fairytale happiness. Marriage can be fantastic, or it can be a disaster. Marriage is essential for the good of our world, but this world is passing away, and only in God’s eternity will we know real happiness and fulfilment. And that’s how we are to live as God’s people, which in turn, means that being single is a good option, because it frees us to serve God to the max.
Now, a good as that all is, it can be a very hard stand to take when so much all around us is pulling us in very different directions. But regardless, single isn’t just what you are before you get married. Singleness is a good option if we are thinking with kingdom values. But desiring marriage isn’t wrong either – just don’t let that desire rule your life.
2. For married people, we have a big responsibility too. For our single brothers and sisters are very easily left out of all kinds of activities and gatherings. It’s very easy for us only mix with people at the same age and stage of our lives, but if we have single people in our church who are taking Paul’s words seriously, we marrieds’ need to do at least two things:
a) be encouraging them and supporting them where they are at, and certainly not excluding them – deliberately or unintentionally from our groups and gatherings.
b) Refraining from setting them up with prospective spouses.
If they are focussing their lives on serving God, then we should be doing all we can to encourage them in that.
Time for questions…
