Bible Talks - Sunday Night Church
Series: Matters of the Heart · Talk No. 3
Going out
Sunday, 26 March 2006
1 Corinthians 7:25-40 ESV or NIV
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1. Bridging the gap
What do The Bachelor (1,2, and 3) and The Bachelorette, Joe Millionaire, Blind Date, Temptation Island, and Meet The Parents have in common?
They are of course, all about the process of meeting and matching and mating. Moving from single to ‘attached’ has been cause for fascination since forever. There have been endless movies about the topic, countless TV soaps, sitcoms and reality shows made, and now millions of web sites to help you find your ‘life mate’.
But, if you have been here over the last couple of weeks, you will know that so much of what the world has to say about these matters of the heart is just plain unhelpful to Christians.
We’ve looked at the Song of songs, which reminded us that God created intimacy and sex between a man and his wife to be enjoyed to the full – but within marriage.
Last week we explored the way that Paul encourages people to stay single if they can, in order to be focussed more deliberately on the Kingdom of God and it’s values.
Next week we explore marriage, and what the Bible has to say to us about that. But tonight, we want to bridge the gap between singleness and marriage.
Many of us here are either married already or will be at some point in the future. The world has plenty of suggestions of how to move from singleness to attached (although not necessarily married), but given that Christians only have the two options of being single and celibate or married and monogamous, how do we move from one state to the other? What’s the process called ‘going out’ look like for a Christian? Is there such a thing as ‘Christian dating’? If there is, is it really just the same as regular dating but without the sex?
If you believe Google, there certainly is – enter the words ‘Christian’ and ‘dating’ and you will get over 5 million pages to browse. And this
Well, I hope we can leave here tonight convinced that there is an approach to this that is distinctively Christian and thoroughly biblical, and that is ‘stand out different’ from the world’s ideas of dating.
But you can probably guess that there is no single passage in the Bible that tells us how to play the dating game. We don’t know how the man and women in Song of songs met and grew in their relationship, and there is no ‘how to’ guide to finding a life-partner. But there are parts of the Bible that do give good principles that we can use to build up a picture of how Christians should move from the state of singleness to the state of life-long attachment to one other person.
So for a few minutes, that what I want to do: build up a picture of this process that honours the principles that Paul speaks of in the same passage we looked at last week, then we can have plenty of time for questions and discussion.
As we know, Paul has a great deal to say about relationships of all kinds in many of his letters, and chapter 7 of 1 Corinthians is a particularly intense example. And I think we can draw out some principles for Christians moving from being single to being married from here under two main headings:
The context in which Christians should be going out, and the conduct that Christians should engage in when they do go out.
2. Context
So, what is the context in which Christians should be going out? I want to take us back to the same passage we looked at last week – 1 Corinthians 7:25-35.
You might remember that I said last week that these verses apply to all single Christian people, and not just to people who might have the so-called ‘gift of singleness’, which I said was a myth. And you may also recall that Paul says ‘don’t seek a wife or husband’ mainly because God’s ‘happily ever after’ isn’t found in marriage – no matter how good the relationship. God’s eternal happiness will only be found in eternity, in heaven, for those who trust in the Lord Jesus. So, Paul says, in this life, we should seek to focus our energy and time on the things of God’s Kingdom. Marriage is demanding and Paul makes the point that a single person is freer to live for God’s Kingdom.
But it’s not ungodly or sinful to marry. Marriage is a good gift from God – but so is singleness, and a single person is able to be more productive from an eternal perspective. So Paul says, it is preferable to be single, and avoid marriage if you can for the sake of the kingdom.
So that is the context in which Christians go out, it’s the context in which we must look at these matters of the heart.
Eternity is what counts, and so Christians should be seeking first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness in this area of our lives, just as we should be in other areas.
But that brings us head to head with the world in at least two big ways.
a. It changes the way that single Christians should look at each other. In particular, it discourages the shopping mentality. This is so different to much of the worlds idea that we see. Take for example, speed dating. Are you familiar with that? It’s where a large mixed group of strangers gather together
Shopping for a mate, for the perfect person who will make you happy. There are even churches in the U.S. who run speed dating nights for their members!
But our mission for all Christians – married or single – is to major on God’s priorities, to be seeking first his kingdom and righteousness (Matt 6). And that means that each of us should have at the top of our priorities in life, growing in personal godliness, and the extension of God’s kingdom by making and growing disciples of Jesus. So aside from any matters of the heart, that is to be our first priority and the context in which we relate to each other. And that will mean putting aside the worldly ideas of relationships being all about self satisfaction and gratification, because the gospel frees us from that and gives us a much higher purpose in life.
It should also change the way that single people look at each other. First and foremost this should be as brothers and sisters in Christ, rather than potential partners. As people who share that agenda of putting God’s priorities ahead of their own.
And that means we should be free to have friends of the opposite sex, without all the overhead and expectations of being ‘a couple’.
But genuine cross-gender friendships, without eyeing off each other are hard to come by. In the movie ‘When Harry met Sally’ there is scene that expresses this problem really well..
The second big implication of this context is that:
b. It should give wisdom when decisions are required in this matter. I’m going to be brief here, but you may be wondering in the light of last week and tonight and all the talk about not shopping around for a partner – how is a couple ever going to get together?
That question is not ever answered directly by Paul, except that we know he clearly expects couples to form.
The whole chapter is about choice, so we know that arranged marriages are not his answer. Instead, the thinking behind this passage would appear to be that people will get to know each other, will fall in love and will marry, but the process of that occurring should be incidental, should happen as a side effect of the profound Christian friendships that Paul encourages, rather than being the main purpose of those friendships.
But the situation will arise where two people have got to know each in the context of a broader friendship, and they will develop feelings for each other that raise the question should they elevate the relationship to one of going out with each other with a view to possible marriage. And this context of putting the Kingdom of God first actually helps when this situation arises.
If you come to making this decision about going out, the Kingdom of God has to come first. This comes out in v39-40 of 1 Corinthians 7. Paul is talking to windows, but the principle is pretty clear: “A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord. Yet in my judgment she is happier if she remains as she is. And I think that I too have the Spirit of God.” (ESV) So… if you are heading towards marriage, or seriously testing those waters, it must be “only in the Lord”. In other words: Christians must marry Christians. And that means that a serious ‘going-out’ relationship with a non-Christian is at best unwise, and it’s certainly cruel to the non-Christian person, because the relationship cannot go where it is meant to go – ie: marriage. So it is most definitely unwise to start going out with someone who is not “in the Lord”.
And if the context of all this is seeking first the Kingdom of God, the questions that need to be answered are “Will this person spur me on to live for Christ? Could this person gently correct me when I’m getting it wrong? Could we think and live and plan our life together with God’s eternity and serving God’s Kingdom in mind? Will we be fruitful in a spiritual sense as a team? Will this person strengthen me or weaken me in my life in Christ?
Having a crush on someone doesn’t mean you are destined to spend the rest of your lives together. God says seek first my Kingdom and righteousness and let that guide everything else.
So this context of living for God’s Kingdom and seeking first his righteousness, redefines the whole manner in which we approach our relationships. And it should govern the way we make decisions about marriage when required.
This is very different to the world around us, and it will be hard to swim against the tide of the shopping approach to relationships.
3. Conduct. V36-38
The second thing that should govern the process of moving from single to married is the conduct that Paul expects of couples going out – Look at v36-38 on your sheets “If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes: let them marry—it is no sin. But whoever is firmly established in his heart, being under no necessity but having his desire under control, and has determined this in his heart, to keep her as his betrothed, he will do well. So then he who marries his betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do even better.” (ESV)
So what he is saying here is that if everything else is in order – that your relationship is God- honouring, you know each well as friends and marriage would not be detrimental to God’s Kingdom… the deciding factor is sex!
If everything is under control in your relationship, then Paul still advises, stay unmarried (v37), but if there is anything improper, if the sexual side of things is getting out of hand, then get married – it’s no sin (v36). It’s the same thing se says back in v8-9.
So Paul is saying that the right time to marry is when sex is becoming an issue for a couple, but before it becomes a problem.
Of course, this is the complete opposite of what our culture says. Our world says we do the sex thing first, then decide if that person is worth sticking with. But God values sex and the intimacy that comes with that much more highly, and says it should be saved for marriage. So in a relationship between two singles, when sex comes onto the radar, marriage should come on to it too.
Some implications of this for singles:
Firstly, if you are in a relationship with someone and sex becomes an issue, but marriage is not a good thing to progress to – either because you are not suited, or too young or don’t know each other well, or whatever - then the sex has to be removed from the scene, and you need to start viewing each other as friends and not lovers. And will mean such things as making sure that you are not arousing each other sexually when together, reducing the possibility of that by deciding to not spend excessive time alone, etc.
So the focus is: go slow. Don’t rush things. Be friends for as long as it takes to really get to know each other, without all the pressure and problems that sexual arousal can bring to the friendship.
The second big implication here is when sex and marriage both become prominent factors in a relationship, get married soon. In Paul’s words: “..it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion..” (ESV) So if you’ve been good friends for a while, and you know the person well enough to know if you could have a good, godly marriage together, and if it’s getting too hard to just remain friends, don’t stuff around, get engaged and get married with no delay.
Even if that means downgrading the size and extravagance of the wedding itself. Better to marry quickly with a simpler wedding day for godly reasons, than to delay it so you can have the big production number of a wedding, but in doing so end up dishonouring God with your sexual behaviour. A godly relationship is far more important than the ‘perfect’ wedding.
If you have decided to marry, and the sexual pressures are getting hard to handle, cut to the chase and get married as soon as possible.
So let me try and pull all this together.
If you are unattached, try and focus your energy and concern on the Kingdom of God. Try not let yourself slip into the shopping mentality. Learn how to be real friends, real brothers and sisters in Christ with each other, without all the game playing and the hidden agendas.
Even if you find you develop strong feeling for someone, and they share those feelings, still think ‘Kingdom of God’ – both in your friendship with that person and in any thinking about marriage. Keep the sexual stuff on the sidelines for as long as possible, so it doesn’t confuse the picture. When you are sure that a marriage partner will be honouring to God – ie: that your prospective spouse is as committed to Kingdom values as much as you are , and that you both desire to work as a team for the Kingdom of God, and if the sex issue starts to become a problem. Plan to marry and to do so quickly – to ensure that you continue to honour God in that relationship.
